Health, Mortality, Memories, Regrets, Etc.

Earlier this month I got news that I have a malignant tumor on my colon. The identification came from a colonoscopy that was recommended based on some discomfort I'd been having as well as my own history with intestinal issues. I have also had previous encounters with Cancer. In 1995, the upper lobe of my right lung was removed along with a tumor that was also malignant but hadn't spread. Anyway, this thing was caught early, is fairly small and there are no indications of it spreading. I'm scheduled for surgery to cut the nastiness out next week. That's the good news. The bad news is, that however you cut it, information like this, as well as the expierience of pre-op testing, appointments, trying to organize your life and the actual surgery, can make a mess of your mind. I've heard from others and know myself that serious health issues present people with a roller coaster effect in terms of feelings, changes, and where one's head is at.

Our own mortality is something that many of us don't want to ever face and sometimes we don't have to. Accidents happen, people aren't informed well, or illness just strikes quickly. But when you're left to contemplate how things will go or what your chances are, many tricks get played on you and the people who care about you. I've decided to write about this for a very selfish reason - It helps. Putting some thoughts down helps me and perhaps some others who are out there, now or later, struggling with some of the same issues.

This comes so close to the loss of my friend Matt (written about earlier in Memories of Matt) that it makes me jerk and sputter a bit. On the other hand, he was an inspiration to talk to and see in his final days and weeks. In many ways a sign of strength and hope.

I'm going to be 70 in mid June and I still haven't figured out how this all works. You know - the world, life, death, hereafter, supreme beings, heaven and hell, the whole ball of wax. It all continues to be a mystery to me. I have figured out good and evil as best I can. Justice and injustice are also pretty clear to me. But there's lots I don't understand and I find myself spending more and more time trying to understand things that I'll probably never comprehend. Things like why different people are born with different privileges, choices and opportunities? Why are some lives short and other's long? On and on really.

I also have my memories and I'm flooded with them at times. Memories of people, places, things, events and incidents both good and bad. I'm lucky because most of my memories are truly good. Maybe we make sure that happens along the way. Who knows? Memories are built upon everyday. This past weekend I built more with my 2 1/2 year old granddaughter, her father (my son) and his wife. Wonderful, even if an exhausting, time. Riding on Seneca Lake in grandpa's boat, eating good food and building a history with each other. Lifting her high above my shoulders on the count of three and hearing her say "Again".

I have memories of another life and time with my own parents and siblings and of course times of struggle during the 60's and "the movement". Fighting to bring about change in a difficult time. Contentious times they were. Then there are all of those years, working in one place, working with people I really cared about and still do. Memories carry us through so many hard times and personal storms and mine, even the stormy times, are great ones that I really cherish.

There are people who minimize regrets and say that you shouldn't dwell on them. Well maybe not, but having them is different than dwelling on them I guess. I also think it's important to know what they are and if you have the opportunity, to correct what you can. My regrets are many and perhaps shared by others like myself. The biggest regret I have is the time that I didn't spend with the people I love, my boys particularly but also my siblings. I also regret the things I didn't do relative to changing things that could have or should have been changed in the world. There are times when I didn't speak up loudly enough when I saw the wrong things happening. When people in power abused it or just regular folks did stupid things. Not following my musical instincts. Not writing more and sooner. I regret my own failure at non-violence in words and actions. I regret not reconnecting with people or hurting people along the way. I truly regret not taking the time that's needed to smell roses.

There are many more but that will do for starters and will keep me busy as I try to reduce those regrets as I move forward. There are life lessons here. They aren't new or earth shattering. If anything they are simply reminders. Life is short. Do good work. Things happen that you can't and don't control. Enjoy everything and live life to it's fullest. Forgive and don't judge. Most importantly, keep going and keep trying to figure it all out. It's a challenge.

Those are the things I'm going to do.